【The Queen of Philly Soul and Funk Is Back! Shirley Jones of The Jones Girls Drops an Autobiography and New Song That Almost Broke the Author's Back!】 Brothers and sisters of the funk, this is an emergency. Stop whatever desk work you are doing right now, stand up, and stretch your pelvis. Because the legendary lead singer of the vocal group The Jones Girls, Her Majesty Shirley Jones, has made her triumphant return, dropping a super-hot autobiography titled "Being A Jones Girl" along with a long-awaited new song! Honestly, the moment I read this news, I spun so fabulously in my office chair that I threw out my back and almost got rushed to the hospital by my coworkers. It's that serious. For groove addicts whose blood, flesh, and bones are made of funk and soul, The Jones Girls are an absolute nutritional staple, as deeply ingrained in our systems as traditional New Year's mochi soup from home. ### Sisterly Harmony and Soul History You Can't Dance to Without Tears …

【A guitar that bleeds the soul and a strike against the industry! The true essence of blues rock unleashed by Hannah Wicklund】 Drop a piece of ice into some cheap bourbon and let out a sigh. Tonight, nursing a pain in my lower back that feels like thick rice gruel, I’m searching for a record to drop the needle on. For more than half my life, I’ve been trapped in the 12-bar pentatonic scale, to the point where my wife nags me, "All your humming sounds like the exact same song." But you know what? That’s fine. Because this is the disease known as the blues. And right when this withered old man’s throat is feeling bone-dry, some thrilling news lands a fierce uppercut to wake me up. Hannah Wicklund, the powerhouse talent from South Carolina who commands an undeniable presence in the modern blues rock scene, has unleashed her fourth studio album, 'War on Women; Calling All Good Men', upon the world. ### Before the guitar cries, the human roars in anger …

【My hips are aching and I can't get any work done! From Ed Sheeran's Batman nipple suit to Andy Boay's ultra-cool multi-tracked recordings, here's a rapid-fire round of mind-shaking latest news!】 Hey party people! It’s Funky Dave Monroe, and the funk gods have descended upon my waistline once again tonight, making my fingers tap on the keyboard like a slap bass thumb-smack! "An article without a groove is like flat cola—or worse, watered-down leftover oolong tea," I figure, as I dance-step to the beats blasting from my speakers while dodging the editor's collar-grab warning to "just write the damn piece already." I'll confess the truth: even this morning while gripping a strap on the commuter train, a 16-beat clavinet was looping endlessly in my head, and before I knew it, I was headbanging fiercely while shooting passionate eye contact at the salaryman next to me. It's nothing short of a miracle I wasn't reported to security. As a groove-addicted writer, I'm here to serve up a non-stop stream of the wildest topics shaking up bodies and brains across the global music scene! Is everybody ready to move that waist!? …

【The Stratocaster's Lament Resonating in a Dimly Lit British Venue! The Essence of the "Humble Guitar God," Master Robin Trower at 80 Years Old】 Pouring a glass of cheap Scotch late at night and listening to the ice clinking, I sometimes wonder. Why on earth do guitarists out there always feel the need to pull such smug, "look at me!" faces? Yet, this man is completely different. A living legend of British blues rock, Robin Trower. Making a name for himself in Procol Harum and hyped as "the second coming of Jimi Hendrix" for over half a century. Seeing the guitar god himself in a dimly lit live house in Cambridge, England, made me almost want to loosen the strings of both my heart and my wallet at the exact same time. ### A Beer-Stained Venue is the True Holy Land of the Blues …

【【Happy Birthday】The one and only husky groove! A waist-shaking, funk-soaked celebration night for Macy Gray's birthday!】 Hey hey hey! Funk addicts of the universe, are you fueling up on three bowls of white rice to the bassline today too!? I'm Funky Dave Monroe, the groove attack squad leader for JOCOLLA Music News! Close that Excel spreadsheet right now and check your hip bearings. Because September 6th is the birthday of our supreme smoky queen, Macy Gray! Happy birthday, Sister Macy! The only thing left to do is chug a whole glass of funk groove as a celebratory toast! I'll make a clean confession. This morning, while brushing my teeth to her absolute classic "I Try," my body reacted on its own to that one-of-a-kind raspy voice and the soothing off-beat. Before I knew it, I was laying down a perfect 16-beat with my right-hand toothbrush, busting out a fierce solo facing the bathroom mirror with a mouth full of foam. I was this close to shattering the mirror...! This is the severe groove addiction symptom that Macy Gray causes. …

【Can the Cry of a Soul Be Brought Out With a Prompt? A Night of an Old Fart Sips Cheap Booze Amidst the Mary J. Blige Unauthorized AI Ad Controversy】 The curtain of night falls, and a sphere of cheap whiskey ice clinks against the bottom of a glass. As always, it’s Memphis Ray here. Today too, I’ve fired up my worn-out amplifier and am chewing over the bittersweet blues of life. Now, let me ask you out there in front of the screen. Do you think a machine can sing of "human pain"? Lately, the folks in Silicon Valley have been unanimously holding forth on the future of music, boasting that masterpieces can be born with the push of a single button. But just the other day, a curious incident rolled in that threw cold water on all that high-tech arrogance. "Suno," the darling of generative music AI, dropped an ad online featuring none other than the Queen of Soul, Mary J. Blige—only for it to come out that they hadn't gotten her permission at all, forcing them to hurriedly yank the ad down.…

【Hips Swung All on Their Own Warning Issued! Prepare to Have Your Mind Blown by Branford Marsalis and Dianne Reeves Taking on a Legendarily "Too Sweet Groove"】 Hey party people! I'm Funky Dave Monroe, your resident groove addict who still stops his morning alarm with a heavy bass sub-frequency and busts out funk steps while brushing his teeth! Now look, I'm gonna level with you—groove can sometimes be downright dangerous. This morning, while listening to a preview of a new track and trying to brew some coffee, I completely ignored the dripper and started dripping (ahem, violently shaking) my own hips. Needless to say, my kitchen became a total disaster zone, but do I regret it? Not a single millimeter. Because the sound that just blasted into my ears was drop-dead exquisite! All you club kids and soul heads who live and breathe black music, you better clear your ears and listen up. The saxophone wizard himself, Branford Marsalis, has teamed up with jazz and soul royalty, vocalist Dianne Reeves, to drop a brand new single called "Dedicated to You"! …

[Listen to This on a Night Held Together by Antacids and Cheap Whiskey: Lily Seabird’s Raw, Unflattering Blues] When the ice clinks in your glass late at night, it never fails to dredge up a handful of regrettable choices. It’s Memphis Ray. What even is the blues? A twelve-bar three-chord progression? The pentatonic scale? Nah, you’ve got it all wrong. It’s that deep, helpless sigh that leaks right out of your chest when you trip flat on your face in the middle of life and expose your most pathetic, unguardable self to the world—that’s the true essence of the blues. And into the dry, withered heart of this tired old man has just dropped a wildly thrilling, skin-tingling piece of art: *Lightspheres on Their Way*, the third album by singer-songwriter Lily Seabird, which has been earning high praise from the Americana tastemakers over at *No Depression*. ### What Do You Do on a Night When You’ve Lost the Right to Pray? …

[Calling on that Ohio spirit! How a 5-minute dense groove from former NBA hopeful Nate Lark and the birthday of funky queen Terry Ellis made my knees buckle] Hey hey hey! How are we doing today, all you funk addicts and groove fiends across the universe, shaking those hips?! I’m Funky Dave Monroe, the bassline specialist for JOCOLLA Music News! Let me apologize first. This morning, right as I was passing through the station’s automatic ticket gate, top-tier 16-beat rhythms came flooding through my earphones. I subconsciously busted out a razor-sharp slide step, and my Suica card went flying from the reader in completely the wrong direction, slamming my crotch hard right into the gate. The station attendant’s cold, chilling gaze of "Sir, are you alright?"... But my soul is burning! Because some incredible, hip-rocking news just flew in! I’m gonna share this mega-sized vibe courtesy of the funk gods with you right now! C'mon! …

【The Day Drumsticks Were Swapped for a Sword—Alex Van Halen Knighted in His Native Netherlands on a Night for Raising a Glass】 Tonight might be the night to splurge and pop open a bottle of Scotch instead of the cheap bourbon. Alex Van Halen, the powerhouse drummer who kept the foundations of Van Halen shaking with thunderous force, has somehow been named a "knight" in his birthplace of the Netherlands. I did a double-take at the news screen and almost wiped my reading glasses with whiskey. A drummer. A knight. You shouldn't picture him in medieval armor astride a white horse. The only things he ever straddled were a massive double-bass drum set and the lightning-like guitar riffs unleashed by his brother, Eddie Van Halen. …